Grandad, its been a while almost feels like forever since we last spoke. I know you decided not to be a part of my life anymore but I wish that you hadn’t sometimes. What changed? When I was younger, and I know because I washed the home videos that you made, you used to love spending time with me. Things have changed around here, you missed so much. I needed you and you weren’t there. I respect your decision but I do wish sometimes things could have been different. I wish you could see things the way that I do. I used to love coming to your house and spending time with you. Okay, sometimes I didn’t love everything like when I had to finish everything of my plate before I could leave the table and how you got annoyed when I would randomly blurt out things I had remembered even if someone was talking and now I’m older I realise why and I’m sorry about that but I used to love coming to your house and making home made jam from strawberries we had gone out and picked ourselves or that time we made spaghetti bolognaise and I tried olives for the first time. What I’m trying to say is, while you may never read this I miss you and this last couple of years have been hard and I wish you had been there for them.
I will always be your granddaughter in my eyes and I will always be there for you. If you ever want to get into contact I’m here. Love always, Rebekah x
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Cancer is the hardest goodbye.
Cancer takes over life as soon as the words are said to you. That 6 letter word can crush dreams, break hearts and pull lives to pieces. Whether it is you, a loved one or just someone that you know life will never be the same again. You end up smiling different, laugh less and words that you used to say so lightly feel heavy in your mouth. Speaking from my own personal experience of cancer entering our family. It became this member that nobody liked but would always show up somehow. No matter what I couldn’t get away from it. My lovely nan was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer and even though I was 17 I felt 5 again. I have dealt with sickness and death in my life, more then I would like to admit, but Cancer was a whole different ball game. Nothing ever felt the same again. Seeing someone who was so string, so beautiful look so broken and so lost was one of the worst things in my life and I will never forget that. I will never forget the endless nights slowly waking past their room making sure that they are still breathing, the constant pleading for them to eat and the worst bit? The bit that will stick with me the most? Seeing the shell of a human they become. Along with all of this there will always be that constant nagging voice in the back of your mind reminding you that this could be the last month, week or even day. Cancer is borrowed time from the second they say that it is terminal. Chemotherapy. How can something that supposed to make you feel better make you feel so bad? Chemo is a whole other level. I remember how every time my Nan had chemo within a few days she would be back in hospital. Sometime I question whether the chemo even gave us more time or if it just made the last few months horrible. Cancer makes you wish harder then you have ever wished. One more holiday, one more birthday, one more Christmas. As soon as one thing was done you are wishing for the next thing. It makes you want to do everything on the same day. I am so thankful I got one last wish. The worst thing about terminal cancer is not death,. Through the whole process that is the onbly thing you know will 100% happen. The pain and the suffering for the person with the cancer and the people around them is the worst thing. You don’t lose someone when they die of cancer, you have already lost them by then. You lose them the second they find out about it. Cancer is the hardest goodbye. There is something about writing down your thoughts and feelings that gives me peace. Knowing that I can just write it down and have it there to go back to an enjoy honestly is something I enjoy. I love to be able to go through my archives and see what I’m reading or been watching or was feeling at a certain point. I love to have these memories and the way they made me feel encased in my blog for all to see but most importantly for me to be able to go back and feel again. As a child I was very talkative, all I ever did was talk and it was a nightmare to get me to shut up. People would get bored by the time I had finish my tale and the 50 tales I said in the middle. I would talk about everything and anything. If I was passionate about it, I would talk about it even if I had to force people to listen. It’s weird when you just talk to yourself.
I was though terrible at writing. I couldn’t even string two sentences together and I never understood why people loved to write. All of the rules that you had to follow and things that you couldn’t do took the fun out of it for me. That was until my first ever high school English teacher told me to write how I talked and not care what the rules said. She showed me how that would work and from there I fell in love with writing. While the things that I wrote weren’t perfect they came from a place of passion and interest and It was like being able to talk to a void and it would never get bored. There is just something so peaceful about knowing that you can talk and not be judged, interrupted or even shut up. Writing gave me a whole new way of expressing myself and it was exactly like talking. I have so much thanks to give to Miss Williams and the way that she showed me that my voice is still my voice even if it is being written down and not verbally said. I fell in love with writing. Even though my vocabulary wasn’t the best and even though I didn’t use all the kinds of sentences and it wouldn't be grade worth work I still enjoyed writing about everything and anything even if it meant nothing to anybody else or nobody read it. It was there for me to read whenever I wanted to. I started to write about the things that I was passionate about as if I was talking to somebody and I knew that this is what I wanted to do. Even if it was only for me. I wanted to share and express myself and while doing that I fell in love with writing. These may not be big goals; they may not mean anything to anyone else but to me these are important. I want to start of 20 as a happy, healthy and mentally stable individual ready to start the next 20 years of my life. Sometimes instead of trying to achieve your highest goals all at once its better to split them up and start small. My main goal for pretty much my life is to see myself in a positive light. So yes, there are a few bigger goals on here but a lot of them are small ones that lead up to the big ones. Sometimes its easier to think small and then think big. So here it is my list of things to do before I’m 20: 1. Cut all the dead ends of my hair so that it is healthier
2. Start counselling to sort out my mental state 3. Be swimming 3 times a week, every week 4. Have started to save towards upcoming things 5. Make my bed every day 6. Learn how to be empathetic towards myself (stop putting stress on myself for nothing) 7. Let go of all the toxic people in my life 8. Follow through with a passion of mine (writing) 9. Go day drinking 10. Watch a sunset with the person I love 11. Dance in the rain 12. Take a road trip with my best friend 13. Make a new friend 14. Learn to sew 15. See a theatre show I’ve never seen before 16. Stop caring what people think 17. Write every single day (blog posts and other stuff) 18. Start learning ASL 19. Be able to run at least a mile 20. Fall in love with myself again I hate it! I have learnt that I do not work well under pressure, waking up at 9 am everyday for uni is harder then going swimming at 7am, finding cute outfits that are suitable for uni everyday is a nightmare, my sleep schedule is non-existent from the mountain for work that they keep giving me and to top it all off lectures are the most boring thing that I have ever been a part of. I don’t think it helps that recently I have to do maths which I only just passed at GCSE level let alone this level. What even is standard deviation?!?! How has this got anything to do with software engineering? I don’t even know anymore. I know this isn’t everyones opinion. Some people thrive of their university course but not me I just cant deal with it. I have never been good under pressure anyway but this has given it a whole other meaning. My last piece of work got handed in with 20 minutes to spare and I had been working on it for a while. I think ive decided its just not for me but I feel like im too far along to quit half way through this year.
I made the decision at the end of December that I would finish this year and see how it goes but so far I think im done. We will see I guess. I think i overestimated how much i would like the course and half expected myself to just master it straight away. One thing that it has taught me is that i put way to much pressure and stress on myself and it is not healthy. Maybe should have thought about these things before i started. oh well. Thank you for following my uni journey (if you can call it that) and im very aware that it is a little bit fo a mixed bag of emotions for the first post back this year. i promise it wont be all like this over 2020. I have so many idea's for blog posts this year and i cannot wait to share them with you all :) I have three main resolutions for 2020 and each of them are more long-term things more than just ‘go to the gym’, ‘eat properly’. I know I have to do these things but these to me are not resolutions to be made at the beginning of the year. I will eventually do these things but in my own time not when everyone else is doing so. The first resolution that I want to make is to start putting more effort into how I look. Actually, do my hair instead of putting it up in a bun every day, actually do my makeup and wear all of the nice clothes that I own. In the boxing day sales, I decided to buy myself a whole new wardrobe that I can take into the new year. I got rid of all the crap that was in my wardrobe and brought things that I actually like. I want to make a conscious effort into the way I look, and this is the way that I’m going to do it. The second thing that I want to do in the new year, a ‘resolution’ in a way, is to do more on my days off. I get few days off from university and work and I tend to spend these in bed or doing nothing. I want to do more in 2020 and make more memories. This could be just a walk or a trip into town to see friends or maybe even going on day trips. I want to say yes more this year instead of just making excuses which I do have a habit of. The last of the proper resolutions that I want to make this year is to start counselling so that by 2021 I will have left the ghosts of the past, in the past. Over the last 19 years a lot has happened that has in a word been bad and this has left me with some not so obvious to the naked eye obvious. I have dealt with these things and the effect that they have had on me and my life for a long time and I want to stop having them hold me back. I don’t want the ghost of the past dragged up every time I’m having a bad day and to do this, I need to talk to people. To me though I cannot talk to the people I know, it doesn’t have an effect on me. A lot of them have been through the same things as me and are also trying to digest what has happened but with some of the stuff the just don’t understand. They don’t understand the effects that losing people so young has, even if they try their hardest. I’m ready to talk now, more then I have ever been and this year I want to bring the ghosts up for one last run through and then I want to start moving on. This to me is the main goal of 2020 and the one I am most determined to conquer. To be honest they all come in hand and hand after this goal. Ones I start to make amends with my own mind I will start to feel myself again and want to do stuff and want to look nice. All of my goals for 2020 are interlocked. 2020 for me is a year of self-love, a year of finding who I am again and falling in love with her for all she is. I don’t care if she has scars or war wounds. I only care that she is happy and healthy, that’s all that matters. I hope you all had a magnificent Christmas and I wish you the happiest and healthiest new year. Here’s to 2020! xx All day I have been seeing posts about voting and I am so happy to see people going out and using their voices. I’m not here to tell you who you should vote for, that up to you. I am however here to tell you why you should vote and how important it is to vote.
Vote for those who have nothing Vote for the disabled Vote for the hungry Vote for the tired Vote for the weak Vote for the sick and the dying Vote for mental health services Vote for disability funding Vote for them who can’t vote themselves Vote for nurses and doctors running on little sleep and minimum pay Vote for teachers Vote for the unemployed Vote for the chronically ill Vote for the children who can’t vote yet Vote for those who you love Vote for the NHS Don’t just vote because everyone says you should, don’t just tick a random box and think that you have done your bit. Look at the manifestos, read about the party’s, read past the leaders. You have till 10pm. Make your voice count. 2014 Christmas was my absolute favourite. It was the year before everything changed and even though none of us new that, it ended up being the best. It was the first proper year that everyone was together, stepdad included, and it was the year that we all spent laughing, hugging, singing, complaining that we couldn’t have our presents till after diner and playing stupid games. It had everything that I loved. The dinner was beautiful, and everything came together so nicely. No one argued and nobody even made snide comments it was all happiness. My grandad wore a hideous cardigan and ate just a little bit too much pudding, me and nan had a lovely time wrapping the presents together and just doing festive things.
The day started off just me mum and my stepdad, we opened presents together, ate biscuits together and just had a slowly start to the morning and then we got ready and headed to my Nan and Grandads. Once we were there me and my Grandad started to do our usual Christmas day rendition of ‘we want our presents now’ and tried our very best to get my Nan to swear. Once my Aunt and Uncle arrived, we started to dig into our amazing dinner. Everything was perfect and just how it should be. Dinner was finished and after all of the presents were opened, we started to play all of the games my aunt had brought round. As usual I lost every single one as I am terrible, but it was worth playing just for the fun of it. Maybe one day I will win. Somehow no fights started over these games and the peace stayed for the rest of the night. There isn't much to say about this year because unless you were there you wouldn’t understand how amazing it was. It was the last year that we had all together and just for that reason I will never forget it. I love every single person who was there that year and I always will, and I want to thank them all for making it such a perfect Christmas.
The last couple of years, due to unforeseen circumstances, Christmas has flown by in the blink of an eye and I haven’t had the chance to enjoy it. This year I want to change that I want to enjoy Christmas as much as humanly possible. Christmas is one of my favourite times of year and I will enjoy it for as long as I possibly can. This year the festives began at the beginning of November. I know that to some people that is early but the only thing that I did at this time was Christmas shop. I decided early in the year I would finish all my present shopping early and then I won’t have to worry about it during December. By the end of November all my presents had been brought and all that was left to do was wrap them which I enjoy doing and class this as one of the many festive activities. During the beginning of December, I won’t be doing much. Ill be working during the weekends and will still be at uni during the week so until uni breaks up for Christmas festive activities will have to be put on hold. I will still be decorating and starting to enjoy the festive things like music and movies. Christmas movies are some of my favourite and I am so exited to start watching them. After Uni has broken up, I plan to go out a lot with my family to a few fayres and Christmas markets. The run up to Christmas for me is the most fun part of Christmas. The day by day build up really does still excite me like it did when I was young. Something that I am excited about doing is going to Winter Wonderland. Every year my hometown has a massive Winter Wonderland and it is the most Christmassy thing I have ever experienced. The music, ice skating as well as the rides are extremely fun and bring out the joy in all of us when we go. Not to mention all the food that they do. I’ve been exited for their hot dogs since last years Winter Wonderland. Christmas is the best time of year for me and I love everything to do with it. The sooner I get to start planning for Christmas the better. I cannot wait to show you all the posts I have planned for Blogmas. I really hope that you enjoy <3 Something that is rarely talked about in the news and is rarely mentioned at all in fact is childhood bereavement. I believe that this is because unless you have gone through this, you cannot understand it. You can try and guess at what the child is going through but unless you are there in the moment it is an extremely hard thing to understand. When I was 5, exactly 3 month before my 6th birthday, my father sadly passed away. This wasn’t something unexpected, it wasn’t sudden. We had been preparing for this to happen since way before I was even born. That doesn’t mean that it was easier to understand or even accept. As a five year old I knew that something was off as soon as I got home. I think children can always feel the tone of the room even when they don’t know what is going on. I was sat down and told straight ‘ you know how daddy had a poorly head, well he’s died and gone to heaven’. For me this was to the point, upsetting but also clear. Something I would always suggest when telling a child that someone close has died is to never sugar coat it. This can be very confusing. I know that it is hard to be so, I guess, blunt about it but sugar coating it will only open up questions and create confusion along the line. As I had said my dad was very poorly for a very long time and so I knew that he was, it was never hidden from me making it less of a shock.
Bereavement for children is very different then for adults. As adults we know how to deal with our loss and we understand what death is a lot more than a child does. Death and everything about it is a foreign concept. The idea that someone is gone and unable to return is almost impossible and that’s why it makes it harder to understand. I spent a lot of my childhood trying to understand it and i spent a lot of time wondering why it happens. The main thing that I found hard as a child to understand was the concept of missing somebody. Usually you miss someone and then you eventually see them but when someone dies you have to learn to live with the fact that you miss them. I spent many nights crying or sleeping in my mums bed purely because I missed my dad but didn’t know that that was what was happening. Childhood bereavement can last for many years. Even to this day there are days where my heart sinks because my dad will never be there when I graduate, when I get married, when I have my child or just when I need him. But now as a 19 year old I understand that he had to go After many years I can talk openly about the man that is my father with ease and without confusion. As I have gotten older the reason that my father died got more complex and it went from ‘daddy had a poorly head’ to ‘he had a brain haemorrhage for many years’. As I got older not only did the reason get more complex but my ability to understand the reason got better and now I truly understand why he had to leave. Losing somebody so young is hard and can be a very confusing time but I can promise you it gets easier. You don’t forget them like people often assume and you don’t love them any less then people you lose later in life. They went when they had to go and as you get older you come to peace with that idea. I’m sorry if you have lost someone so young and I’m so sorry if you are in the position of telling a child they have lost someone dear to them. Its not an easy thing <3 On the day of writing this it is 6 days before the 5th and I am shocked that it is already here. I cannot believe that it has been an entire year since you left us. So much has happened in this year it’s hard to fathom that you haven been here for any of that. A year ago we had just finished celebrating my birthday, you were at home and healthy...ish. as healthy as you could be given the circumstances. There was still hope but then things changed and you had to go and its taken me a long time to come to terms with that fact but I have and I understand now why you had to go so soon. You see I believe everything happens for a reason. My father died to give room for Graham. To give Graham the chance to be the best he could be. Father knew that I was safe and that Graham would look after me, he would teach me everything that needed to be taught and to show me what love is and what I deserve. Then Neil came along and Graham grew tired. He knew that we were safe I would look after you and make sure you were happy. And me? Well he knew that Neil would take over and he would take over that father figure place. He would finish what My father and then what Graham had started. So Graham knew that we were all safe and in good hands so he let go of this pain filled world and went on to what I hope is a much more comfortable place.
Now you. I couldn’t understand why you had to go. You were my forever best friend. You were there on the first day and I thought that you would be here a lot longer then you were. It confused me that you went so soon we often talked of the future and what will come with it and we always spoke like you would be there. You leaving made no sense to me I couldn’t understand why you left so soon and then it occurred to me in the weirdest of moments, whilst watching peter pan. Wendy says something along the lines of ‘oh but everyone has to grow up’ and that’s when it occurred to me. The reason that you had to leave me was because I was entering into adulthood and you were the last piece of my childhood to leave. And as sad as it is and as much as I will forevr miss you I know that you going meant that I had to grow up. That my childhood is well and truly over and you were a piece of that, that I had to let go of. Your memory however unlike the other pieces of my childhood will stay with me forever and as much as your voice will fade and I will forget exactly hw you walked and how your house smelt I will always remember you and you will always be a part of who I am. I’m still sad that you are gone but a piece of me finds peace in knowing that you are with Grandad and you are out of pain. I know I can never have you back here with me so until I see you again, goodbye my Jeanie <3 Today I went for a job trial at a little café in a little shopping village and the anxiety about it was insanely high. I don’t really know why I’ve done things exactly like this before but for some reason I felt terrible about it. The whole idea of starting over again, a new place, new faces. Honestly terrified me but I went in there and I did the shift, which wasn’t that bad, and I went home. Just like I do with interviews I had something nice to look forward to when I got home. Sometimes we build up this idea in our heads that we are going to fail and that we aren’t worth it when in reality we should be making ourselves feel better and even proud of ourselves. Sometimes the cup does need to be half full. I want to feel happy in a place when I work there that’s why I left my last place. I know my worth and I know what I deserve so I will not settle for less than that.
We all need to remember our worth sometimes :) I made a post a while ago talking about my first day of university and how I was feeling. Well it’s been 5 weeks so I wanted to do an update. I am stressed, that’s how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting the hang of things and then other times I zone out of lectures for two solid hours and zone back in at the end. As you can see it is going really well.
To be honest university is actually going really well. My lectures, for the most part, are interesting and the assignments that I have been given aren’t that hard (yet!). nearly everything that I am being taught at the moment is stuff that I had been taught last year, its just a recap. I’m also starting to socialise with the other people in my lectures. Not to the point that I know them all and I hang out with them, I’m still majorly hanging round with the people I already knew, but I am starting to get top know everyone. Going from college to university has been a major step but I am really enjoying university. It’s interesting and I’m so glad I made the choice to go. I love the vibe university has going on and I cannot wait for the rest of the year. There is something about the room going dark, the curtains opening and the spotlights hitting the stage that makes me happy. The first beat of a song always gives me that warm feeling of happiness and I honestly could spend all my time in the theatre. It’s something that I have loved since I was a little girl. Something that I have not found something like since. From Little Shop of Horrors and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers to SIX and Heather's there is no limit to what kind of musical I love. Every musical that I have ever seen I have loved to the point of obsession and would happily watch repeatedly. Musicals are the one thing I could never get bored of. Because I fall in love with every musical, I watch it is very hard to pick a favourite however I can pick my top 5. These five are the ones that I love the most and the ones that I would watch forever and ever and never be bored of. There is no order to these because I love them all equally.
The first one that I want to mention is my Nan and uncles’ absolute favourite and so naturally, having watched it a few times and seen them love it as much as they do, I couldn’t help but also fall in love with it. The music reminds me of the 60s and the whole vibe of the musical just feels so old fashioned and like how musicals always were. There’s no one reason why I love little shop of horrors I just do, and I always will. It holds a very special place in my heart. The next one I want to mention is Wicked. Oh, how I love Wicked. The story is so unique, and I love the whole meaning behind the musical. On top of this Defying Gravity isn’t half a good song to belt in the shower. The third one I want to mention is Heather's. This is a musical that as of, yet I haven’t seen but I’m so excited that its going on tour next year because I have been dying to see it ever since West End Live 2018. Its just such a perfect musical that has the perfect amount of drama and comedy and the soundtrack is just amazing. There isn’t one song that I dislike. They are all amazing songs that I now know every word to. I am sorry to my neighbors that must listen to me sing ‘I Say No’ 10 times a week. The second to last one that I want to mention is The Lion King. Now I love the movie, always have done, but there is something particularly special about the musical. I was lucky enough to see it when we visited London a few years ago and it was one of the best moments of the holiday. The what that they make it so real without being obviously puppets is amazing and there really is nothing like it so far in the world of theatre in my opinion. The last one that I am going to mention is Cats. There is nothing I don’t like about Cats. The music is amazing, the set is so well done and thought about, the dancing is amazing, the use of music to tell the whole story is just pure delight and whoever thought of the character Mr Mistoffelees is an absolute genius. Cats is something that will always have a special place in my heart no matter how many times I watch and no matter how many times I listen to the soundtrack. I will love it till the day that I die. These are not the only musicals that I like and there isn’t an order to how much I love them both. It's just a list of the musicals that I would pick if I had to pick five. I cannot wait to go and see some of the new shows that are coming out now. There's just something so special about the theatre. I made a promise to you many times. That even when i was older i would come to yours every weekend. You said when i got older i wouldnt want to, id want to go out with friends and have fun. What you never realised was the most fun i had was with you. Some of my favourite memories are in them random, spontaneous weekends. Im so glad i carried it on till the end.
Id give anything to waiting in your office again for you to finish work, to talk your ear off all the way home about the week i just had, to go to asda then kfc, to be welcomed by that well known smell as soon as i walk through the door, to sit and watch law and order late into the night, to have you check on me when you come to bed (even when you no longer needed to you still did that) and to wake up to the phone ringing or your bedroom door squeeking open. I miss it all. You are at peace now and im so glad you are out of pain and with the man you missed so much even if it means i have to miss you Everyone has regrets, things that they wish they had said or things that they wish they had done and honestly I think it can be one of the hardest things to deal with. I have many regrets in my life. From not saying goodbye to people to not speaking up for myself when I should have done. But at the end of the day unless you have a time machine there is no way to change what has happened. The best thing that you can do is learn from that regret and also think at that time that was what was best for you and maybe next time when it happens, or something similar happens, you can remember the regret that you have and try and not do the same thing as you did last time.
One of the major things that I regret in life is not spending more time with my nan. She was very ill and honestly it scared me to see her like that. A lot of the time I did spend time with her at first because I stayed around her house to help look after her but at the very end I just couldn’t handle it and rarely went to the hospital and often stayed away from the room she was in at home. I majorly regret this and I don’t want it to happen again so I try to spend as much time with the people that I love and make sure that they know they are loved. This is something have worked with a lot and slowly in the last year the amount of guilt and regret I have about this has gone down which has made me feel better as a person. I may not be able to change the past and spend more time with my nan but I am able to spend more time with the people that are still here. The thing that I have learned over the past, maybe, ten years is that everything does happen for a reason. I know it does sound cringe but it is true. Things happen and they teach you lessons that you can learn how things work and what they do. Regret can be used in a positive way and can lead you to not make the same mistakes. The most important thing to remember when it comes to regret is that it’s in the past and can’t be changed and that can be hard but it really doesn’t matter when it comes to your future as long as you use it tom make you a better person or help you to make better decisions. ‘it doesn’t matter its in the past’ -Rafiki Me and my fiancé have been dating for around a year and a half and I wanted to have something to remember how we both met. We both started off in different classes but in the same college and after a few weeks we ended up being in a joint class and things did not start off great. Our class hated each other, the classes started off with a massive argument that just kept going on for a few months. Around march 2018 I was added into the group chat for his group and we started to talk on there and things started off slowly, we talked but mostly it was group conversations. Eventually after I came back from Egypt his friend messaged me to ask if I liked him and we eventually started to talk to each other. We slowly got talking and getting to know each other and our first date was to go and see the movie Rampage which was also our first kiss. During the time that we were getting to know each other we spent a lot of late nights in McDonalds eating crappy foods and telling each other things we haven’t told before. The day that we officially got together was on the 15th of April 2018 which seems like such a long time ago now. And now we are in the same class in university and I couldn’t be happier. Our first photo
Hey you, i want to start with i miss you, we went through so much together i couldn't not. There were so many highs and some very deep lows. I missed you for a while. I went from telling you everything to telling you nothing at all, I went from seeing you every day to passing by without even a slight bit of eye contact. Everything that happened, everything you did and everything I did in return hurt for a long time. But now I am ready to thank you for getting me out of the worst time of my life, for getting rid of the parasite that had taken over. Sometimes I wish things would go back to how they were, how we were but that’s just not an option I don’t think I will ever trust you to the same extent again. I know to this day you don’t think you did anything wrong but you did and I hope deep down you know you did. And I hope you know that you truly hurt me, you were the last person I ever thought would do that to me. But it's okay. I'm over what happened and I'm okay with being how we are. I'm glad I have the memories and the past because you made me a better person but It will never be how it was. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.
Love always, Becky x There are many things that can cause anxiety. The main thing for me is having to look for a new job. At the beginning of September, I found myself looking for a new job and this as it usually does end with an interview. There are a lot of things that I do to prepare myself for an interview and allow myself to be in a good frame of mind ready to go and get myself a new job. So, here is my few rules I follow to be prepared:
The first thing that you should always do is think positive from the start. You have got this far; you’ve earned the interview and so you have to remember you belong there. Positivity is key. The next thing that I always do and is good when you don’t know how to just confidently talk about yourself and your skills. Is to prepare some conversation points or some key topics that you want to mention. Then you aren't just rambling you have exactly what you want to say. No company will think less of you for taking in some notes. One thing I always do for after an interview is plan something fun or enjoyable so that you don’t have to think about it afterwards. I usually plan to do something like go to the cinema or meet up with friends 30ish minutes after the interview. This gives you time to think over the interview and then put it to a side to not think about. If you keep thinking about it you will overthink every little thing that you did or said. The main thing that you have to remember is your strengths and your weaknesses. These are things that they enjoy hearing however it is also good for you to know when going in. There is no point saying that you can do something when you can't. However, something that a lot of companies think is good is if you can say what your weaknesses are but also how you would like to overcome them and turn them into strengths. Companies will prefer this then you pretending that you are perfect. So, there is my tips for going to an interview. At the end of the day if you get the job, you get it if you don’t then you will get another one it's not the most important thing in the world. On the 19th of August 2019 after being together for 18 months my boyfriend decided to pop the question and he couldn’t have picked a better time to do it. It was the most sentimental and perfect way to do for us and it is something I will never forget.
We had gone on holiday, kind of last minute, to Pontins Southport and the holiday wasn’t off to a great start. The place was highly rundown and the food was disgusting to say the least. It was the first night and we had planned to go down and watch the entertainment but by the time we had had been to the beach and had a lovely walk, one drink and sat through a group of screaming kids play party games we decided to call it a night and go back to the apartment. Back at the apartment we had a long soak in the bath talking about nothing and everything all at the same time, then sat on the sofa and watched Hollyoaks (yes, I even remember what we were watching) we sat there for hours just talking, not really watching anything. It was the most us way to be. It was at this point that my partner started to talk about potentially getting engaged. Me being the most oblivious person in the world did not thing in any way shape or form he would actually ask that day, but he did. He got down on one knee in front of the horrible leather sofa in the middle of the night, when it was only us two in the room and he asked me if I would marry him. It was obviously a yes straight away, well after questioning if it was a joke or not, and then we spent the rest of the night just talking about the same nothing and everything but with a little bit more meaning. This would have been a pretty dull holiday, most of the food was horrible and overpriced, nothing worked and there was no signal throughout the whole area that we were staying but the fact that we were very newly engaged meant that the holiday had almost a glaze over it. It was the happiest I have been in a very long time. We could have got engaged in front of our families during some big lavish event but that just isn't us. That would have stuck out like a sore thumb. Doing it when it was only us two, together, happy and in our element meant that I couldn’t be happier. I'm so glad that he didn’t wait for a more appropriate time and just did it when he felt he was ready to and I cannot wait to spend my life with someone who knows me so well. I have been overthinking since I was little. To this day I still do it however I have figured out how to control it and how to keep it at bay for as long as possible. I will overthink about anything. Starting a new job, school, going to the dentist, having a tooth out even small meeting or interviews. You name it I have probably over thought about it at some point.
There are loads of things that you can do to be able to keep these thoughts at bay. The one that I use the most and tend to stick to is putting things in place to stop the thoughts being able to enter your mind. This can be anything that will keep your mind busy. Something like a walk on your own or reading a book don’t help me because my mind tends to still wonder. I like to go out with people, even for a small drive, or do jobs around the house. I even will go down and just spend time with my family because sitting and talking to them keeps my mind from being able to wonder to whatever I'm trying to overthink. Something else that sometimes helps me is to think logically about something. a good thing to do is sit down and write down all the things that are going on in my head and then go through the list and think about how likely those things are to happen and what I could do if they were to. So, for example, yesterday I had a dentist appointment that I had to go to and I was massively overthinking it. I hate the dentist! I sat and I wrote down all the things that could happen. ‘they could want to take a tooth out right there and then’ so then I thought well how likely is that to happen when all of my teeth are in decent condition. The likely hood of that happening is slim to none and even if they need to better then then waiting even longer and having to overthink that. I went through everything that I had wrote on the list, it was a long list, and I thought about the logistics of the things. The further down the list I went the better I felt because I had put a logical stand to it. So, from then every time I started to overthink, I went back to the list and I remembered how unlikely the things are to happen. The one thing that I will always stand by is that you should never look up whatever you are overthinking. I used to do this so much and then I would just make things worse for myself. Sometimes I still do it and then I kick myself because I remember why I stopped. The internet isn't always true and it will always show you the worst-case scenario. If I had put ‘why should I go to the dentist’ into google today I am sure that one of the first things that came up would have been top 10 reasons why not to go to the dentist and it would have been all of the gruesome things that happen to the very unluckiest of people. Never google anything if you are overthinking! You will regret it. If you're overthinking an appointment the thing that I would suggest is to get it as close to the day as you can. If they can offer you tomorrow take it. I know it sounds crazy I used to think that leaving it till the last minute is better but honestly getting it done and out of the way is the best thing that you could ever do. You don’t even have chance to think let alone overthink. Appointments are one of the things that I overthink the most so making sure that I don’t leave long gaps once I know is the best thing. I used to hate having to wait 4 weeks to get my braces checked because I would overthink for the entire time. Overthinking is the bane of my life and I'm sure anyone else who does it will feel the same. All I can say is everything will be okay and whatever you are overthinking will be over before you know it. Try someone of the things that I have suggested and see if they work for you. Even if it's just for a little while or if it only helps a little. It's better than nothing :) Starting university was one of the most daunting experiences that I have ever had to deal with. What was I going to wear? What do I do if I get lost? What if I don’t make any friends? What if I hate my course after paying so much. There was a lot going on in my mind. Luckily It wasn’t as bad as I had worked it up to be in my head. First impressions? All I remember was the campus was massive! Luckily for me I was starting with a group of people that I had been with since college and so I wasn’t completely on my own. Finding the first room took not as long as I thought though and It didn’t take long for us to get a grasp of where nearly everywhere was. The whole fear of the unknown and the fact that I hate getting lost was something that I was dreading but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I really would have been a lot more scared and probably would have ended up being overwhelmed if I was on my own and I do really feel bad for the people who have traveled and have no idea who anyone is.
The one thing that I was concerned about was the amount of girls there would be in my course. I was petrified I was going to be the only one and that all eyes would be on me to be the perfect role model female. Computer science has always been this was for me and I was calmed by the time I walked into the lecture hall and saw a few females. Even though there were perhaps only 5 or 6 it was better then being the only one. The first week has made me genuinely exited for the weeks to come along with actually learning about the different parts of computer science. The feeling of anxiety around the course and the fact that I had no idea if I wanted to go or not has completely gone and all I feel is exited about learning about something I genuinely am passionate about. |
ABOUT ME
Hi I'm Becky. I'm 19, studying computer science at University and i wanted a hobby. Welcome to my hobby <3 Archives |